Recently has been a bit of a hard season. And it's also been good season, too. I am working on being more and more real and transparent, and I know that part of that means honoring what is true, even if it means honoring that life can be both good and hard at times. I am starting to care a lot less of getting the approval or love of others in doing that. It is slow but good. It matters more to take care of my heart rather than sacrifice it. That is my constant prayer that I may be aware of when I am fearing man more than fearing God.
In the midst of confusion and stress, I fear stating my feelings because I know they will pass. But they are real and true. This is what I teach others, teach kids. I want to practice this myself. If I am to be loved at all I want to be loved for who I am fully.
All I can do is align myself outside with what I know is true inside. It is hard but good work.
Wherever you go, there you are. You can't escape, avoid, or do anything to get away from yourself, or the people who are in your life to sharpen you.
The messiness of life is not something to run away from even though I want to.
I ask the questions over and over when life is confusing, wanting immediate answers, wanting to sort it out. Apparently, God wants to teach me that most things are a process. I am not made to hold all these things. I was never made to hold them.
Just because I read about change or love and seem to understand it, does not mean I have it figured out when it happens in real life.
There is much I can help others understand, and I try to do everyday as a counselor. But these big things, like change and love? I thought I knew what they meant, how it all was to play out. I am sure I have some knowledge by now, but honestly, change is still so unexpected to me. Love is still a constant mystery to me.
All I want to do is tell the truth that I have to share and be with others who can do the same. It's hard and courageous but I want to keep trying, by God's grace.
I see now that some of the mystery and some of the unexpected, strange places I have journeyed to have led me to more honesty about myself, about what I want, and about what my hope is for the future.
Okay - I have to put in a quote from one of my favorites because it makes everything sweeter.
"I don't know where you are these days, what's broken down and what's beautiful in your life this season. I don't know if this is a season of sweetness or one of sadness. Bu I'm learning that neither lasts forever. There will, I'm sure, be something that invades this current loveliness. That's how life is. It won't be sweet forever. But it won't be bitter forever either. If everywhere you look these days, it's wintery, desolate, practice believing in springtime. It always, always comes, even on days when it's impossible to imagine, ground frozen, trees bare and spiky. New life will spring from this same ground. This season will end, and something entirely new will follow it." -Shauna Niequist
FYI, this quote is sweet because it's also bittersweet. I am not a generally sad person, but at my core I am a combination of a realist and a dreamer; I can see both sides of the coin. I know there is so much beauty as well as pain in the world, and I can't deny people when they have known both. What I believe most of all rises to the surface from all of that though is hope. Something even brighter and more beautiful.