I laughed until I cried tonight with my friend whose birthday is today. We laughed when we shared stories about silly things we do. Which is a lot.
I told her I'm a bit of a library delinquent at the moment and I've had some books out for far, far too long. I love to write, maybe even more than talk (and I like to talk), but stories do better in real time.
I'm not sure if it's funny to you that I lost one of my books in my car. But we laughed for five minutes about it. "Your car is smaller than your apartment!" Truth.
So here's the thing. I took a stream of nonsense internet quizzes the other day and one of them was 'what is your special gift' or something and it completely proved how false those tests are (as if we didn't know) because it said I was good at retrieving lost items. It said my gift is never, ever losing anything. What?!
I told my friend that I keep going to the internet to answer questions and that is the current foolish game I am playing with myself. Foolish for all the reasons not to mention the internet is the worst. I know I'm an oxymoron because eventually this will be out there, too.
But really, I have been thinking the internet can somehow help me and if I can just find a search for that exact thing that keeps plaguing me, I can learn by reading. Because that's what I do. I read, I learn, I try not to keep making the same mistakes.
But for the love, there's nothing to find in those buzz word quizzes. I told my friend I need to just stop right there and go talk to God and ask Him the questions I keep having.
Yep. That's it. That's the one. The churchy, let's just answer Jesus for every answer but in this case it's actually true because I have searched the buzz word quizzes and the internet and there's nothing there, people. Nothing.
Because I value words and thoughts and meaning, even more so do I have to be careful about where I go for that meaning.
And when I find that I'm feeling less secure and trusting in Christ and His promises, the more I have to go back to every answer is yes in Jesus and let him fill up all my false places that I go to again and again.
Sounds easy enough...
I wander and He brings me back. I wander still and He brings me back again.
Again, sounds easy. But that process takes time. And it hurts because it's a process where I have to re-learn what I think I should know. But that's His mercy that we get to learn it again, and then my question changes because I see that and I just want to ask why are you so good to me still?
And that's how He changes me. He pours out love even when I fall, he presses in when I press out. When I hurt, He stays. I am reminded how I run and that He gently calls me back. He knows how the story goes, that all those other things won't satisfy and his love is where I want to be after all.
linking with five minute friday