Friday, July 25, 2014

The one where I don't know the end

I haven't been writing here lately. Haven't been writing much of anywhere and usually something is off balance somewhere when that happens so that is a tragic thing. Summer is a time when everything stops a little so that might be my excuse. 

Jon Acuff says we should write fast when we have writer's block because perhaps what you really have is fear. I am not sure if it's fear or not but maybe it is and so of course, fear can't keep up with 100 words a minute and writing for five minutes flat. So here we go:

This week I went back to the elementary school where it all started. Where I learned to take my first steps in North Carolina as a teacher. Not that those baby steps are ones I'm most proud of, but even baby steps that lead you downward have to take you somewhere and eventually that somewhere has to be back up? That's a question mark not a period because I have a lot of questions but I'd prefer to have periods.

I like to know the end of things.

This week my life went full circle when I went back to my old school for a work meeting and it wasn't so bad, seven plus years later after my life has gone a lot of different directions from the year that turned things upside down.

It doesn't sound so bad now that I'm removed from it by lots of time --

and now people only see the smiles and the 'happy' and the health and the things that make them question if there was ever anything else.

It's amazing to see how things change.

But is it time that changes a life? Or is it change that makes it seem like 'time' really did the work? I'm not sure I buy this time business. Things you don't heal from can still be a problem years and years later, I think.

But the good news is God does heal.

It's hard to see the end when you are in the middle. Sometimes you only want to look back because you wonder how you even got there in the first place.

Are you yearning to see the end of a journey but can't imagine it right now? I understand.

Seven years later after I forgot so many things that don't even matter anymore, after God led me out of places I didn't want to return to, I got to return to the beginning to see that in it's most literal sense, it's just a building with walls. 

A building with walls is not scary at all.


I like to understand. I like to know the parts in the story. Especially YOUR story. And MY story. But I think that I hide parts of my story, just little bitty parts, because perhaps...they are scary.


To who?

Not to God.

God knows the ending from the beginning. He already knows the END of my story. And YOURS.

I love that. That small reminder is from the wonderful Constance Rhodes. The fact that we don't have to control and manufacture the plot of our lives because God ALREADY knows --

is

so

freeing


I am thankful he is the finisher and it's (mostly) okay that I don't know the ending yet.


*linking with lisa-jo for (a little more than) five minutes. horray for writing again!

6 comments:

  1. Yes, seeing the end from the middle can be impossible. Oh how I know those words. And the not having words to write? So many times the words don't come. For me I know it's because I need to be taking in, living, processing. But they always come back. Just visiting from FMF. Nice to meet you. Glad you're writing again.

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    1. Thank you, Melinda. Yes, I must remember that a life lived keeps the words flowing, and that when I take more time for the living, that's not a bad thing. Great to meet you.

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  2. "The fact that we don't have to control and manufacture the plot of our lives because God ALREADY knows --is so freeing" Oh so true. Great post! (visiting from FMF).

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    1. Thanks for your sweet words. I'm glad you came to the blog!

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  3. :) I really appreciated this reminder. Did you know that I actually read the endings of stories first before I read the entire book? I always want to know that everything is ok... which is why hearing this post was a good reminder. I know the ending. ;)

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    1. Thanks, friend, yes..I know. It's hard, hard when we don't know, the unknown, right? Endings don't all have to be scary, I'm learning. Trying to sit with them awhile and trust God with what he does with them. I'm always so glad when you're here.

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