It seems like over the course of lately, I've wanted to hush things a little.
*It may even be time for a little bloggy break. Just a small one.
I may pop in here and there, but it's summer and vitamin d and going to see my family and it looks like it might be good to work on a couple other writing projects and then check back in with y'all soon.
:::I need space in my days and weeks and months to think and mull and ponder. Even as I have cut back on appointments and outings and commitments, I still find myself awake past my bedtime to simply soak in the quiet. My soul needs space. And it doesn’t come easy. It doesn’t come without a price and it doesn’t come on its own.
I have to make it come. Because life is messy and fluid and maddeningly unpredictable.:::
-Emily Freeman
This sounds so simple. It's not, but I get it. I get the simply soaking part. I get the staying up too late and just needing quiet.
I get that life is 'maddeningly unpredictable' and if we just say that out loud, it might help us see that it is not up to us in the end. It is not up to me. Even when I want it to be, even when I think I can hold things together nicely somehow, thank you very much.
God is the one fighting for us. Oh, this is beautiful and I am so thankful for this truth. He fights for us --for me, too -- when I have difficulty being still, when life is in transition, when not-where-we-want-to-be is the space we get to be in and we think we know better what we need. And, when things are good and sweet and there's pie every day.
Slowly, in all this, trust falls off our own shoulders and things start to get quieter.
When one is dried out and needs a break, it is good to admit when you'd rather listen than talk. Rather hear what God has to say than the words you have to say...
So I am deciding to give myself space and say less.
My dad might appreciate this. Or fall over in his chair. He is forever listening to me. Thank you, Dad, for being you. I love you. Thank you for genuinely caring for and loving people for who they are.
A belated link up for five minute Friday : Listen
*I love you guys. I'll be back soon!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
In Which I Remember the Lilacs
So I got to thinking, where have the lilacs been this year? They are my favorite. And maybe I just haven't seen them. Haven't been looking.
grateful {#206-214}
::: People who believe in me, skype, friends coming over to visit!, Hursey's BBQ, time to rest, people who work in schools and have interesting things to share, all things yellow, produce stands.
Oh, and books about how God redeems with the journey of eating with joy, despite how complicated it can be for many of us at times, to say the least. :::
Emily's having a give-a-way. Hmm, I'm seeing a current theme here in book-land (as in, I am finally ordering Bread and Wine, too). Maybe it's just me and these books are lovely as the time has come for joy to wake up again in that place. And again.
You see, the story is I had thought that I found the answer. Isn't that usually where we go off track? After experiencing what it was to care much too much about food and eating and all the problems that causes, I told myself never again. I didn't want to be a 'health nut' anymore because that = sickly to me, and all I wanted was to be normal. But being 'normal' can be a false identity, too. I can't really flush this out right now; it is so late and my eyelids are drooping, and for some reason I write into the morning when I should be sleeping.
Here is a prayer by Brennan Manning {I love this, so I wanted to share it}:
Lord Jesus...give us the grace to admit we are ragamuffins, to embrace our brokenness, to celebrate Your mercy when we are at our weakest, to rely on Your mercy no matter what we may do. Dear Jesus, gift us to stop grandstanding and trying to get attention, to do the truth quietly without display, to let the dishonesties in our lives fade away, to accept our limitations, to cling to the gospel of grace, and to delight in Your love. Amen.
When I was young, I would run and play and I could not miss the lilacs. Every year, they bloomed by the side of my house. I knew they would be back again. When does one stop looking for them?
Friday, June 7, 2013
From the Fall
All I can say today is that it's Friday and I made it. You made it, too!
There's spring back in my step. Take that fear, who actually screams louder sometimes than what we are facing. For when the (almost) forgotten, that-bad migraines of my past cropped up again this week and rallied to take me down, down, down for the count, I prayed that place of living-scared would not win.
I admit my mind and heart stood (layed) there scared for a moment. That's okay. On my list of things that terrify me, it's horrible headaches.
Fears are real. But we don't have to give them power and they don't get to win.
I am not superwoman and don't ever want to be.
God is good and His strength and power is stronger. I can trust Him.
From the album Fall - Jon Foreman, "Cure for the Pain"
A replay: From the album Spring and Summer
Here a gathering of writers link up to share words for five minutes every Friday. No overthinking or perfecting...Mine was a little longer today. Join in!
There's spring back in my step. Take that fear, who actually screams louder sometimes than what we are facing. For when the (almost) forgotten, that-bad migraines of my past cropped up again this week and rallied to take me down, down, down for the count, I prayed that place of living-scared would not win.
I admit my mind and heart stood (layed) there scared for a moment. That's okay. On my list of things that terrify me, it's horrible headaches.
Fears are real. But we don't have to give them power and they don't get to win.
I am not superwoman and don't ever want to be.
God is good and His strength and power is stronger. I can trust Him.
When these hard moments or seasons are over, we can look back and see what He was doing in the wilderness. And right now, all we can do is move in faith.
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am
making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:19
Sometimes the wilderness is unfamiliar territory. If that's the case, hold on! Hope and believe He hems you in behind and before, lays His hand upon you. I know what it is to perceive only dry wasteland. Believe the truth that the fall, even if it happens, will bring good in your life somehow.
The fall is so hard. I've been there...I've been there. I ache knowing how painful a fall is.
But I almost would not recognize the spring and jump now when I move and my voice that is full and alive again if not for the fall.
May there be a Spring (and Summer), too, for you who have known so many Falls.
From the album Fall - Jon Foreman, "Cure for the Pain"
A replay: From the album Spring and Summer
Here a gathering of writers link up to share words for five minutes every Friday. No overthinking or perfecting...Mine was a little longer today. Join in!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Things I've Seen in June
The end of May/beginning of June is all clumping together right now.
Nevertheless, here is a list of what I have seen and heard so far in June.
1 . (#201) A beautiful sunset after a storm
2. (#202) A place called Lumpy's
Honeysuckle, oatmeal raisin, cherry chip, some kind of trail mix, happy hippie.
Okay, so Lumpy's has an assortment of strange, fun names for ice cream but I only remembered happy hippie. Possibly because I like to talk about how swell it would be to live in the country someday, on a farm, with lots of trees, and maybe chickens, and walk around barefoot. I say these things as I wear a yellow sundress that makes me look like a dandelion.
{Thank you, Lumpy's worker who is also lactose intolerant, for reminding me that maybe eating a kiddie size ice cream wouldn't kill me.}
3. (#203) Today's quote from the devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and the reminder that it is His strength, not my own, that is my trust.
"Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me. You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much to handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges."
The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly...
Regardless of the day''s problems, I can keep in perfect peace as you stay close to Me."
Isaiah 26:3
4. (#204) "Your Calling is Closer Than You Think." Relevant Magazine
This post has me on a rabbit trail of thoughts.
The other day I wanted to write a post called "The Art of Saying I Don't Know."
Which may be why I love this quote...
"It takes discipline to say "I don't know." It takes faith to trust in one-day-at-a-time. It requires me to lay down my desperate, freakish desire for control and trust He is at work." -Karen Yates
But, also, I so often need to lay down my 'freakish desire for control.'
Oddly enough, I've recently stopped saying 'I don't know' in reply to questions about the future. I have learned that when you say 'I don't know' when people ask you about what you hope to do, it seems you have no opinions. That's not true. I have quite a few.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, one of my very first friends I met the week I moved to North Carolina six and a half years ago (faithful friend!). And she told me how she looks at this season of her life in a way of not really knowing what to expect and how she's at a place of not trying to plan everything anymore.
I understood that. There's something okay about that. Even though I still sometimes feel I'm losing by living in the everyday. Deep down though, I'm learning it's okay; I'm learning to trust.
Even though I still fear at times. Even though my 'freakish desire for control' wages war against me. Even though I want to trust in my own way. These things don't work. And don't bring life.
It doesn't mean never plan. It does mean I must change my expectation that something and everything should a certain way.
We are called to live in the place where God has us now.
I keep seeing how life comes after death.
"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24
Falling to the ground is not a welcomed place for me. I have been thinking a lot about what it is to fall to the ground and why this is hard. How I often use nice words and am hopeful that in falling down I still can repair the damage. But it's God who pulls me up from myself, and there, beautifully, He gives me life.
After we are pulled from our self-sufficiency, we begin to see we cannot do things the old way. Sometimes we go back to what we think we need, but this never lasts. There is a letting go that happens, if we'll only receive, in His grace, to find what - who - we really need.
Sometimes living in the now looks or feels like a death, like something is lost. We think it is going to be all sunny days and when it's not, we wonder why. Everyday is often really good, but everyday can also (often) be hard.
You cannot just say you will choose to live in the everyday unless you acknowledge there are both.
5. (#205) This band's sound
I like folk-ish music.
That's all.
I'm linking up with Emily for Imperfect Prose and Ann for Multitudes on Monday, to remember to look and see redemption (everywhere). Because the place I need to see it most sometimes is in this moment, and right in my own heart.
Nevertheless, here is a list of what I have seen and heard so far in June.
1 . (#201) A beautiful sunset after a storm
2. (#202) A place called Lumpy's
Honeysuckle, oatmeal raisin, cherry chip, some kind of trail mix, happy hippie.
Okay, so Lumpy's has an assortment of strange, fun names for ice cream but I only remembered happy hippie. Possibly because I like to talk about how swell it would be to live in the country someday, on a farm, with lots of trees, and maybe chickens, and walk around barefoot. I say these things as I wear a yellow sundress that makes me look like a dandelion.
{Thank you, Lumpy's worker who is also lactose intolerant, for reminding me that maybe eating a kiddie size ice cream wouldn't kill me.}
3. (#203) Today's quote from the devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and the reminder that it is His strength, not my own, that is my trust.
"Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me. You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much to handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges."
The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly...
Regardless of the day''s problems, I can keep in perfect peace as you stay close to Me."
Isaiah 26:3
4. (#204) "Your Calling is Closer Than You Think." Relevant Magazine
This post has me on a rabbit trail of thoughts.
The other day I wanted to write a post called "The Art of Saying I Don't Know."
Which may be why I love this quote...
"It takes discipline to say "I don't know." It takes faith to trust in one-day-at-a-time. It requires me to lay down my desperate, freakish desire for control and trust He is at work." -Karen Yates
But, also, I so often need to lay down my 'freakish desire for control.'
Oddly enough, I've recently stopped saying 'I don't know' in reply to questions about the future. I have learned that when you say 'I don't know' when people ask you about what you hope to do, it seems you have no opinions. That's not true. I have quite a few.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, one of my very first friends I met the week I moved to North Carolina six and a half years ago (faithful friend!). And she told me how she looks at this season of her life in a way of not really knowing what to expect and how she's at a place of not trying to plan everything anymore.
I understood that. There's something okay about that. Even though I still sometimes feel I'm losing by living in the everyday. Deep down though, I'm learning it's okay; I'm learning to trust.
Even though I still fear at times. Even though my 'freakish desire for control' wages war against me. Even though I want to trust in my own way. These things don't work. And don't bring life.
It doesn't mean never plan. It does mean I must change my expectation that something and everything should a certain way.
We are called to live in the place where God has us now.
I keep seeing how life comes after death.
"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24
Falling to the ground is not a welcomed place for me. I have been thinking a lot about what it is to fall to the ground and why this is hard. How I often use nice words and am hopeful that in falling down I still can repair the damage. But it's God who pulls me up from myself, and there, beautifully, He gives me life.
After we are pulled from our self-sufficiency, we begin to see we cannot do things the old way. Sometimes we go back to what we think we need, but this never lasts. There is a letting go that happens, if we'll only receive, in His grace, to find what - who - we really need.
Sometimes living in the now looks or feels like a death, like something is lost. We think it is going to be all sunny days and when it's not, we wonder why. Everyday is often really good, but everyday can also (often) be hard.
You cannot just say you will choose to live in the everyday unless you acknowledge there are both.
5. (#205) This band's sound
I like folk-ish music.
That's all.
I'm linking up with Emily for Imperfect Prose and Ann for Multitudes on Monday, to remember to look and see redemption (everywhere). Because the place I need to see it most sometimes is in this moment, and right in my own heart.
Friday, May 31, 2013
38 Words
What if your vocabulary was only a few words? What would you say?
I hang with little ones and the world opens up again. I see the world according to a toddler as oh-so- big, not limited by what they can say. Maybe only a few words spill out, but it is made up of imagine.
So what would you say? What would your nonsensical, maybe mismatched words consist of? What are some of the choice words that would make up your vocabulary?
Here's what comes to mind, right now in the midst of the chaos, as I literally have only five minutes on a lunch break of pounding down words quick on my phone.
word splurge:
Go
Me
You
Leap
High
Colors
Window
Pages
Love
Grace
Friends
God
Learn
Sit
Messy
Chocolate
Soup
Paint
Words
Write
Play
Splash
Fierce
Dream
Choose
Move
Join
Hear
Tree
Laugh
Float
Mind
Story
House
Drive
Away
Watch
Here
Linking up with Five Minute Friday for the very fun prompt : imagine
I hang with little ones and the world opens up again. I see the world according to a toddler as oh-so- big, not limited by what they can say. Maybe only a few words spill out, but it is made up of imagine.
So what would you say? What would your nonsensical, maybe mismatched words consist of? What are some of the choice words that would make up your vocabulary?
Here's what comes to mind, right now in the midst of the chaos, as I literally have only five minutes on a lunch break of pounding down words quick on my phone.
word splurge:
Go
Me
You
Leap
High
Colors
Window
Pages
Love
Grace
Friends
God
Learn
Sit
Messy
Chocolate
Soup
Paint
Words
Write
Play
Splash
Fierce
Dream
Choose
Move
Join
Hear
Tree
Laugh
Float
Mind
Story
House
Drive
Away
Watch
Here
Linking up with Five Minute Friday for the very fun prompt : imagine
Monday, May 27, 2013
grateful
How easy it is to focus on what's challenging or what's wrong. Not what's also good. Both make up a life, yes. But what awakens the soul?
I don't believe this counting gifts is playing Pollyanna.
I believe it speaks and gives breath to the places, the holes, that might otherwise too easily dry up. That all these things are gifts, that they come from a God who knows at times it is easy to rejoice and at times it is hard to rejoice but through it all, there can become this pattern for seeing beauty in the world.
And sometimes it's bright and fluffy and smiles, and then it's also not. Thank you, God for the times that it is. Thank you, for the times the counting chisels away at any ungratude in my heart.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)
Thank you, God, that we get to rejoice. With an exclamation mark.
I met a neighbor this week and in our ten minute conversation, she told me so many times just how grateful to God she was for His faithfulness, for all He had done for her, for His grace. Thank you thank you thank you.
And it was in the midst of pain I can't fathom. As in, one of the hardest things I would not like to imagine.
1000 Gifts?
Spoken or unspoken, written down or shared, this idea of rejoicing keeps coming up.
I don't know what yours are. I don't know where you have been. But this is what keeps awakening my soul.
chisel, chisel, chisel.
188. my friend and her sweet family
189. sun - sun - sun
190. cold. pool. water. and taking pictures with outstretched arm, holding the camera.
191. neighbors, new and old. community in its own form. the realization that i've lived here a very long time.
192. the 'tree' painting. homey-ness. enjoying time spent inside the four walls
193. a clean storage unit. finding some old writing in some dusty boxes.
194. hummus pitza from Aladdins
195. a 'holiday.'
196. Those who serve our country and who find their home with them - encouragement and a *free* ebook for Military wives.
197. new ideas and dreams
198. sunset
199. rest
200. a reminder.
you and i are so loved.
linking up for multitudes on mondays
I don't believe this counting gifts is playing Pollyanna.
I believe it speaks and gives breath to the places, the holes, that might otherwise too easily dry up. That all these things are gifts, that they come from a God who knows at times it is easy to rejoice and at times it is hard to rejoice but through it all, there can become this pattern for seeing beauty in the world.
And sometimes it's bright and fluffy and smiles, and then it's also not. Thank you, God for the times that it is. Thank you, for the times the counting chisels away at any ungratude in my heart.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)
Thank you, God, that we get to rejoice. With an exclamation mark.
I met a neighbor this week and in our ten minute conversation, she told me so many times just how grateful to God she was for His faithfulness, for all He had done for her, for His grace. Thank you thank you thank you.
And it was in the midst of pain I can't fathom. As in, one of the hardest things I would not like to imagine.
1000 Gifts?
Spoken or unspoken, written down or shared, this idea of rejoicing keeps coming up.
I don't know what yours are. I don't know where you have been. But this is what keeps awakening my soul.
chisel, chisel, chisel.
188. my friend and her sweet family
189. sun - sun - sun
190. cold. pool. water. and taking pictures with outstretched arm, holding the camera.
191. neighbors, new and old. community in its own form. the realization that i've lived here a very long time.
192. the 'tree' painting. homey-ness. enjoying time spent inside the four walls
193. a clean storage unit. finding some old writing in some dusty boxes.
194. hummus pitza from Aladdins
195. a 'holiday.'
196. Those who serve our country and who find their home with them - encouragement and a *free* ebook for Military wives.
197. new ideas and dreams
198. sunset
199. rest
200. a reminder.
you and i are so loved.
linking up for multitudes on mondays
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Favorites From the Week
I think I'm slowly becoming more visual. And as I've shared on here before, I now like art.
I secretely hope that my kids will be little artists someday, or little musicians, not because I wasn't, but because I don't think everyone has to be the same. {doing} Art - and {playing} music stretch me. It's been in my adult life that I've come to find these things fun and not anxiety-provoking, especially art. Music was always fun for me, but I could not play it to save my life.
I think little easels are amazing, and I'd love for every kid to own a smock. Remember, this was the once little girl who hated art class and thought paint shirts were silly.
Now art is story to me, in all forms.
When we sit down to be present with people and with art, especially when the two combine, wonderful things can happen. Hypothetically speaking, you can attempt to relearn the most basic piano duet ever with kids who know how to play the piano better than you and you see them exercise patience as you mess up the keys and then you decide you are going to rock it out with them because you finally learn the tune.
You can participate in painting with your friend's son and do art and play play-dough and perhaps things go a little overboard sometimes. Then there is paint in the hair.
I love a good story, but I continue learning stories show up in many different venues and platforms and art forms. Here are a few of my favorite stories from around the world and the media that I found this week:
1. Christian Music Zine : Shane & Shane - Bring Your Nothing (Review): I love it when we hear the gospel story told in music. Says the author of the review, Joshua Andre, this "Bring Your Nothing" is that "We don’t have to fix ourselves up or make ourselves ‘right’ with God first, and that’s the beauty of grace."
2. A book review by Belly Acres, Alabama : Trusting God When Bad Things Happen, a book by my friend Shelley Hitz.
3. Cut the But : An encouraging message by Lysa Terkeurst. When insecurities don't get the final say so.
4. Change the Story, by one of my favorite favorites, Shauna Niequist. How I can relate.
5. "The Odd Life of Timothy Green". The movie was sweet. I watched it this weekend.
This scene made me laugh. My friend turns to me as we're watching and says, I can see you doing that (a.k.a. dancing/busting out loud noises like the mom?) Gotta love it.
I secretely hope that my kids will be little artists someday, or little musicians, not because I wasn't, but because I don't think everyone has to be the same. {doing} Art - and {playing} music stretch me. It's been in my adult life that I've come to find these things fun and not anxiety-provoking, especially art. Music was always fun for me, but I could not play it to save my life.
I think little easels are amazing, and I'd love for every kid to own a smock. Remember, this was the once little girl who hated art class and thought paint shirts were silly.
Now art is story to me, in all forms.
When we sit down to be present with people and with art, especially when the two combine, wonderful things can happen. Hypothetically speaking, you can attempt to relearn the most basic piano duet ever with kids who know how to play the piano better than you and you see them exercise patience as you mess up the keys and then you decide you are going to rock it out with them because you finally learn the tune.
You can participate in painting with your friend's son and do art and play play-dough and perhaps things go a little overboard sometimes. Then there is paint in the hair.
I love a good story, but I continue learning stories show up in many different venues and platforms and art forms. Here are a few of my favorite stories from around the world and the media that I found this week:
1. Christian Music Zine : Shane & Shane - Bring Your Nothing (Review): I love it when we hear the gospel story told in music. Says the author of the review, Joshua Andre, this "Bring Your Nothing" is that "We don’t have to fix ourselves up or make ourselves ‘right’ with God first, and that’s the beauty of grace."
2. A book review by Belly Acres, Alabama : Trusting God When Bad Things Happen, a book by my friend Shelley Hitz.
3. Cut the But : An encouraging message by Lysa Terkeurst. When insecurities don't get the final say so.
4. Change the Story, by one of my favorite favorites, Shauna Niequist. How I can relate.
5. "The Odd Life of Timothy Green". The movie was sweet. I watched it this weekend.
This scene made me laugh. My friend turns to me as we're watching and says, I can see you doing that (a.k.a. dancing/busting out loud noises like the mom?) Gotta love it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)